For anyone who has been keeping up with latest journal entries, some updates as to where I am at. So we did not manage to make enough to save our current house, but we did manage to resolve with what we have a way to stay the duration of our lease as was initially planned. (Ie end of june) so we have been given a grace period before the big move. The husband and I are trying to plan forward, and stay positive; after the death of his father and the international travel that was required for all family involved, and are going to be trying to have his sister come live with us to alleviate strain for his mother. So theres lots to do, and not a lot of time to do it, But it must and will be done! We were trying to stay in this area we live in the puget sound, but due to everything will be journeying a ways away. Fortuitously this means that we chose to go and work and live with my writing friend, (a collaborator of the helhund comics thus released to you guys) our friend has been living far away, and vying for us to come there for over a year, but the distance is an inconvenience. So kicking the location issue, and grasping the opportunity to finish some great projects is the goal. We will be moving again however by the end of summer, in order to find a house to properly house our family. This is a rough patch we will make through, and I want to thank EVERYONE for their support, for the shares, words of confidence, and otherwise. Thankyou deeply, and magnanimously, the love i feel from you guys is always effervescent to my soul.again, if you have a way to help at all, there is this GOFUNDME, if I see any donations from anyone, post to me your name from here, and maybe a small description of a sketch, doodle, or art you would like so i could repay you.
a GIGANTIC shoutout to KreepingSpawn who has melted me with her care already and is Always a huge supporter, and friend.
Also to Airumel my first donater to this gofundme campaign <3
a massive for RadosBadger who just saved my week with a donation at a very surprising and miraculous time. i seriously have some love to be sending you soon radosbuddy.
Thankyou guys so much for reading, and ill keep in touch soon. <3
and how about a long more for anyone else that may be bored enough to read as i just dump some crap here. I feel like i don't have anyone to talk to, which isn't entirely true, i just don't want to bring down my husband, who i know is here with me dealing with the same things, nor the one or two other people i would normally confide in, due to reasons I may explain, or not. Im exhausted, and stressed but knowing i have something to keep working for is always a reassurance. I am ever motivated, and unhindered, life has thrown worse at me, Its just a matter of how to brace the impacts. Some other issues in myself have been trying to resurface; anxieties, doubts, and fears. Mostly its just silly things that i wish i could just shake myself out of caring about. Ahhh, all the self recriminations that happen when trying not to be sad or angry at other people. I have a tendency, that I have learned to ignore if not obstruct, to kick myself when I feel negatively about something. I don't want to believe that a friend is no good, because maybe i deserve to be treated this way. or If i wasn't all the ways I am I wouldn't find myself in these situations. There are the greater periods i have learned to hang on to, that remind me that I am happy doing the things that bring me personal stability and simple joys, even if the people i used to surround myself don't appreciate that motivation. im sorry im vague and rambling, im not trying to make a point about anything, i guess im just writing to be writing, and i haven't decided if ill delete this or not. a p.s. tirade on myself, since i share more of it with those of you here than anywhere else it seems. All i want to do is make art, and encourage creativity in others. I don't drink alcohol and that has made a rift between myself and a group of 'friends, not that i don't condone it in others people are fun either way, I just cant be peer pressured as always is attempted. Ive got a few good close friends who don't, and i love them for it, im a healthier me. I have lupus, and have been very ill in the past and on occasion, but lately at least that has not been an issue except for some pain in my arms and hands. Because of that, however, i am typically limited by some things i can do, and end up having to be in mellow environments if not on one of my good days. I have slowly found myself spending so much time at home i know the creeping cabin fever starts to eat at me, at least i get lots of art done. Ive touched briefly in prior journal posts about my strange marriage, i got married in 2010 to someone i had not ever been romantically involved, (seriously no dating, never kissed, nothing.) i.e. my best friend from Venezuela , David, who was an american citizen in the us. navy, but due to being harassed at work for his accent and being called things like faggot, we got married to save his identity. that went as it did, I had already been dating someone for almost 2 years at that point, Sean, and had recently discovered, about 2 months prior to this marriage proposal, that sean had been not only cheating on me with his lesbian ex gf, but also taking a disturbing amount of photos of all the occasions to save on his computer. when i got married to David i had been dating sean for 2 years, and was manipulated into forgiving him and keeping his infidelity a secret. I tried to forgive and forget, and kept it a secret except for two friends, (because i thought i was going crazy and couldn't believe it) who told me about the same thing i would hear for the Next 2 years, "at least you have a boyfriend". really? so for years, until 2013 January, i stayed with someone because, 1.he was a good friend of mines brother, and i didn't want to lose all my friends 2. He was always outwardly nice to me, and all the bad stuff he did was in secret (like not paying bills, cheating, damaging my vehicle and letting his get repossessed so that i wouldn't be able to leave the house, not letting me have the voicemail password to the phones so i couldn't get job interviews, and undermining me by making me feel like i was hurting him by wanting to have a job, and be outside of the house not watching him play video games) if i tried to say something was bothering me, he would cry and tell me not to leave him and warn me about how suicidal he was before he met me, (ummm, thats why you were banging your ex for 2 years until i caught you?) 3. i come from a very conflicted family, abusive on one side, and uber christian basic on the other. (i was kicked out at 17 because I cut my hair short, and my dad believed it meant i was a lesbian. i had never dated anyone ever, because i was waiting to graduate high school, but then became homeless for reasons i couldn't 'prove' otherwise.) so having someone be seemingly kind to me was wonderful, and i let myself become destroyed inside for two years. I hated myself, and found reasons about my body, my personality and otherwise as to why someone and seemingly everyone important in my life has felt it acceptable to treat me with less respect than i would demand for my friends or loved ones. If my friend told me this was happening to them, i would say to respect yourself, and find happiness. For me, i told myself i was valueless, and kept those feelings of self loathing to be sutured by liars words that only wanted sex from me.
which is an embarrassing thing to come to admit, to have to come to terms with the fact that I let all of this continue to shape me, despite the hypocrisy. But as i said, it was wasy to feel like i was in the wrong when i would go to my friends and admit i was struggling, and be told to be grateful to have such a 'loving boyfriend'. I've been told many an adjective to boost my confidence, but those things dont stick as firmly as the feeling of being abandoned, neglected, and generally unrecognized by the important figures in your life. I have drawn since before i can remember, people tell me Im an artist, and I try to imagine that gives me value. When i was young, before middle school, i was without friends because you cant bring kids home to a house experiencing domestic violence on a daily basis. Before the divorce, it was sometimes literally guns blazing, window smashing, child abducting everyday chaos. We never knew if we would go home and ride bikes, or end up three states away being told how much of a terrible person the other parent was, only to be back by next school week with a letter of sickness to excuse on of many reoccurring absences. This wasnt terrible, because it was normal. Then i hit puberty and the little kind kindnesses left, i became what my mom referred to as 'my ugly stage, it will pass'. Eventually after years of being told to watch my weight, dress a certain way, (heres a fact for you, I am 25 years old, and I still have never chosen my own clothing, my mom chooses the way I dress, or else I will be told how much of an idiot I am, i dont know when I will find a confidence in controlling my own appearance. I cut my hair off when i was 16, and it was my favourite hair cut ever, I have had butt long hair for all my life before, and after, because my family wont talk to me if i look like a homosexual, people tell me how much they adore it, but all i want to do is cut it off.) When dating sean, he became jealous of everyone male i was friends with, as well as girls due to his last girlfriend being a lesbian and leaving him for a girl, so i was encouraged to not do any of the working out and sports i enjoy, and made to feel shamed for 'dressing up' for others when wanting to leave the house. (me, who already doesnt have control of my wardrobe, being told Im choosing to dress a certain way) I let these things eat me, and eat me, and eat me until 2012 December, i went to bed every night feeling like i had a gaping wound splitting me in half from my throat to my belly. My soul was a jagged and bleeding valley and I was so afraid of all the thoughts i thought i left behind that which made me suicidal for almost my whole life. Ive fought this stupid stone cold feeling in my chest since about the age of 8. the temptation to silence all the anguish by a simple step off the roof, or anything else. I hate feeling that way, because otherwise I am a very happy person, I love everything, i feel deeply for everything, I can spend 100 years laying in the grass, and watching the world go by loving every breeze and insect touching my skin. And other times I remember i reside in that skin, and i just want to cease to exist and stop hindering the wind from its destination. I was back to feeling that way every day, my flash felt thin, my eyes felt pale, and my body felt like moving stones just to do the things that I knew would usually make me happy. I did everything in my behaviour to seem unaffected, to seem happy and unbothered. I didnt want to burden my friends when they already expressed how fortunate i was. That was it though, i had enough, I broke up with Sean for all those reasons, told my deadbeat roomates i wasnt sitting through another power shut off notice, I quit my job at the tattoo shop for my sanity, everything. I had a breaking moment then though, the world i was living in truly ended. I decided to just leave it all, and follow my heart, literally wherever it took me. I gave away, or sold most all of my possessions that werent art related. I loaded up my car with personal camping gear, and I drove and traveled the nearby states. My false husband at the time, David, still best friend and still non romantically involved companion joined me, with one other friend. I told myself i was seeking out inspiration from the archangel michael, so i sought out beautiful churches, and cathedrals for my muse. Lo and behold i would not see him until coming back to the west side of washington. three of my friends died all in the same month of aug 2013. one intentional, and one unintentional suicide by gunshot. and the other in a car crash that left her surviving gf in a 6 week coma. I missed the first funeral because i was on the far side of the state. the third i would have words to speak for the lost. However, it was the second i witnessed, to my belief, the angel. It was a powerful moment for me, and thats all ill say. After that David and I were westside in the seattle area again, and had come to a juncture in our friendship. We had always loved eachother, but for our own reasons never wanted to risk the friendship by pairing up. This was reasonable as david had dated several of my lady friends in the duration of our 6 year friendship. We decided to take the risk, and honestly i've never met someone who made me feel so much self respect. I had garnered it in myself before we started dating, and already vowed to keep it. We have been working hard, together now about 2 years, and we have been doing great responsibly up until the finances after his dads passing. Im happy with the life we;ve built, and the tenuous bridges ive been building with this new found stability to try and have a functional relationship with my own family. It hard, and Davids heart breaks over the fear I have of my family. Im so afraid of everyone finding a reason to continue to hate me, if i can be banished for looking like something im not, its easy to imagine the kind of consequences for doing anything actually worth a mention. Ive heard every bad word about myself, i was a dirty whore that would be knocked up and alone in a bumtown, this being said to me at 16 when i still had never pursued dating anyone, for the reason of not wanting to live with my mom who was abusive, obviously. Im a stupid useless idiot, and none of my family has ever even bothered to look through my book ive written. ive lived with them, and tried to show them what i do, and ive not even gotten them to for a moment look at what i spend all my time working on. the helhunds, the story, my goals for an animation company. they mean nothing, and are invible, so i am left with nothing to show for myself, i have no way to prove my worth to them unless i throw away my life and find something that pleases them like a lawyer. So everyso often when those dark thoughts doubting my worth creep in, i cant even look at the piles and boxes of my work, colors covering the walls without seeing Nothing. sometimes i am nothing. I fight it, and i work on. This cannot stop me, and i am not trying to be hanging up on this thought. ive had excruciating migraines since i was 7 and had a third degree concussion by being knocked out hitting my head on a tree root. i was unconscious for an hour and a half before being discovered in the woods. This has left me with a half life until i was nearly 23 and finally became medicated on something other than regular painkillers and ibuprofin. I went from having up to 4 or more headaches a week, just pure painful darkness, unable to survive smells, lights and sounds. I missed so much school i was forgiven and given passes of graduation until 9th grade when they told me reality was setting in and i was going to have to learn to deal with them. i failed high school immediately because of absenses, and yet still was expected to sit out the year. when i got kicked out at age 17, and was going to have to live with my mom, i chose to get emancipated and join the US navy instead. I did, but was released due to my medical restrictions shortly after i turned 18. Its a dire struggle to keep work when suddenly you are sick for a week or more, and captured in waking agonizing darkness. combined with my lupus, its hard not to look at this body and feel the gears rusting in place in my heart. Here is what is actually still burdening me about all of this. I so entirely love, respect, and hope for the best in my friends. i value my pack above myself, and myself is strengthened by my pack. Over these past 3 years, i have felt myself become more and more isolated, even though making choices i see are physically better, emotionally better, and goal oriented. I am sick less often, I eat well, i am happy and treated and encouraged to be confident. I have more control over my life. and the mantra im trying to burn into my mind is No One Can Be Happy For You, You Can Only Do What Makes You Happy. Yet, ive got friends since 5th grade that no longer want anything to do with me. people david has dated that were my best friends no longer are, even though they tell me they see how much better things are. i find myself making plans with people, for the last minute no one to show up, or even tell me they aren't coming. until weeks and weeks go by and i find myself feeling like giving up on friendships that are no longer reciprocal, or maybe never were. but then im the one being the shit friend right? im giving up on them because i selfishly expect to receive more than a *seen, on messages. or the new thing ive gotten to experience the past years, one fo the reasons i was afraid of breaking up with sean, is being NonInvited to events. its been oh, going on 2 years now since ive been invited to a party that a mutual friend didnt host, or something i arranged at a bar for karaoke. I am feeling so alone. I don't want to burden my online friends, of which i pitifully have felt so connected to for so many years. Its difficult to perceive the majority of your friendships as being entirely screen based. Knowing, hey, these people still talk to me and seem to like me, but its probably only because they have never met me. The few people, like my husband, and a couple long distance real life friends tell me how many good aspects i provide, but damn its hard to believe it when in years prior, back before i let anyone know i was suffering, that people would let me hangout with them and tell them how much i love them as friends. Ive refused to choose sides in breakups of friends who mutually had reasons of separation, and found myself the enemy of both. Even this, just looking over a synopsis of the crap in my life, (of course its excluding all the million and thirteen instances revolving around every bad thing, all the good stuff that makes everyday worthwhile and the world beautiful. so i am keeping them in my head to not spiral right now) but really, i would think there is something wrong with me, other than the things that are. This weekend and the prior weeks ive been in contact with my 'friends' and without ever asking for help, or complaining about what we are working on, Ive been trying to still be a good friend and stay supportive to the people that ive known for so long. (for those of you who have watched me for years, the friends im talking about are some of those that inspired the Friend People Wolves i used to draw) Im the kind of make you brownies and drive an hour to your house because you are sick or sad. My empathy and the feelings i get of despair make me always so sensitive to the needs of others, i just want everyone to be happy and all the good things. My birthday this year was awesome because Kreepingspawn sent me an art package, and it literally just saved my mood, meanwhile my 'friends' managed to seen' my messages to come hangout, until they told me later they had made plans to go to the bar.. by my house, and i wasnt invited. happy bday me.. One friend stopped by in person and drew me a dickbutt, my husband tries not to point out when he knows im feeling bummed because he knows i just need time to think on it, and get past. i love him for it, gives me the hugs, tells me he knows its sucky,and makes me a burger and milkshake. This man that everyone chose to hate after he had a BiPolar episode while dating a friend 4 years ago, David ended up hospitalized for manic behaviour on three occasions, and recieved no sympathy from our mutual friends once it was discovered he was choosing to stay single after treatment. His third episode would happen in 2013 while we were travelling in vegas, he almost lost his life because of disorganized thinking and manic behaviour, I knew then what I had always known. I love this guy, and i never want him to think im not here for him. several months later we would start dating. After that I started losing all the girl friends i had, and was slowly notified why. i wasnt mad or jealous when they decided to stay friends with sean, even after i finally confided in them what had been happening over the course of our relationship. My mom has told me too many times since breaking up with sean, how disapointed she is that she wont be gettin blonde grandkids from me now. I told her how he forced himself on me sexually after we had broken up, and about everything that happened to cause the breakup, and yet she still tells me Im the one who should have kept him, so she could have blond grandkids. She told him for months after i broke up, that i was just being an idiot, and would have no choice but to get back with him if she let him live at one of our family properties, (so that is to say, I was Homeless driving around, and NOT Allowed to even stay at a grandparents house because of breaking up with this man who literally broke me as a person, but he was being paid to live there, and wait to knock me up)...... yea. i just decided to move away to my own house, and keep living on my own. i dont need help from anyone if the cost of that help is my sanity or body. My friends knew this as well, and ive done wonders the past year. Had our house all set up, we were working hard and had nearly $3000 in the bank, planning the future of books and business. Then some tragedy, and we are left at square one, but you know what, That is OK, im SO glad to be empowered enough to keep working on it. I will do art and keep at it. whats eating me about the move is that one of my good friends is getting married this week, and ive been trying hard to hangout with all of them since i know they are busy getting stuff ready, so i havent tried to be aggressive. but i did let them know i was moving just last week when i found out where, and that i wanted to see them before i move of course. they said, oh yea, for sure. and stopped talking to me, and i found out i was the only one not invited to the big bachelorette party with all of them...
reason being, 'married' even though one of them is married, and three of them have been with their boyfriends or girlfriend for longer than david and i have been dating. of course 3/4 of the girls im friends with dated David, my husband, and Im just starting to let sink in that this really has been a friendship ending move. Funny because, again, i sought their perspectives before we started dating. "hey, i know that it is girl code to check with the ex gf before pursuing someone,' kind of things. despite us being married, despite them all having dated him from 6-3 years prior to asking. ive killed my friendships, and this moving week and trying to get ahold of people to say goodbye is just making me really bummed. i guess thats the whole point of this long thing, im sad because i dont know how to keep my friends, and be happy myself. i am trying to be humble and do the things that make people happy and want to be my friend, but also trying to be true to myself. I just dont want my husband to realize years from now that im a terrible friendless person, and be stuck hating me like everyone else. I dont want to be that either, Its just getting hard to convince myself that I should bother with real life friends, when i clearly have no idea what to do about it. I know its silly, and i will get past it, moving away to work on mutual projects with great companions will be a blessing. I guess i just need to shake this dread, and keep being happy in myself. Right now, i think its time for a chocolate milkshake. Wow, thankyou for anyone who reads this, i just realized how much ive typed. I may remove this or not, im so lazy, and i feel like i just poured a vat of boiling aluminium from my spirit into the keyboard, and i dont know if any of it made sense.